A
tidal wave of loving memories
by Tina Briones
(Originally published in the Philippine Post)
There are days
when I feel the world is challenging me so much more than I could
take. There are days when the painful memories I've buried in the
deep recesses of my mind and heart just come crashing down on me
like a huge tidal wave. Unfortunately, today is one of those days.
I remember waking
up in the middle of my sleep last night like I had a bad dream.
I was suddenly attacked by fear and loneliness, and each painful
memory in my past came haunting me back. It must have been just
30 minutes or less of lying awake, staring at the dark and clutching
my blanket , but it felt like years. Then, when I woke up at 8:00
this Saturday morning to the sound of my ever reliable alarm clock,
I was immediately confronted with a vague pain in my arms and legs.
In my mind, I willed the pain to go away but in a few minutes, I
realized it was for real and I had to deal with it for God knows
how long.
Blame it on
those stupid exercise machines I used yesterday for my work out.
Blame it too on that guy I wanted so much to impress; that guy whose
idea of beauty is wafer-thin skeletons, err, women. Gosh, blame
it on... I don't know. Then, as if I wasn't miserable enough, I
suddenly remembered why I had to wake up early on a Saturday. It's
my grandmother's fourth year death anniversary and we are going
to the cemetery.
God, has it
really been that long? Somehow it seems like it was just yesterday
when my Dad broke the terrible news to me. I even remember what
I was doing then; I was watching this film on HBO, "This Thing Called
Love, " with River Phoenix-may he rest in peace--and Samantha Mathis.
From then on, I avoided watching films with River Phoenix or any
dead actor. Seeing them on a day when a loved one is sick is like
some sort of a cryptic message that I wouldn't even want to decipher.
I can also recall
the weary, helpless look on my Mom's face as she had to strongly
deal with the funeral. If there was anyone who was affected the
most by my grandma's death, I am sure it was my Mom. She really
loved her in life. And in death. In fact, the epitaph on my grandmother's
grave goes, "We loved her in life. Much more in death. She will
remain in our hearts forever."
Forever. Continuous.
Never- ending. Like the last words my grandmother told me at the
hospital three days before her death, "Come sit beside me." Very
simple yet something that will never be forgotten. I vow to always
remember those words, together with the way it felt when she lovingly
held my hands for what was to be the last time.
The first few
weeks after her death were like heavy clouds on me and my family.
No words were said; just polite hushed conversations on things that
were irrelevant at that time of grief. For me, things couldn't get
any more miserable than they already were at that point.
I was hopeful
that things would get better. Yet, as I look back now, I feel I
miss her more today than yesterday. At this point when all of us
in the family have moved on so well and have found our respective
paths in life, my grandmother's presence is badly needed just to
remind us that we are still a family.
My grandmother,
she was a woman who was able to live her life to the fullest. She
got married, had kids, worked for a decent life for her family,
and had grandhildren. In her face were contentment and peace because
she already understood how having a family and keeping it together
til the end were more precious than gold. And just to see that happy
glow on her face once again would be a welcome respite from the
harried looks I see in other people everyday. That look that's so
familiar because I see it everyday on the mirror.
If she could
hear me now, I wish to tell her every significant moment that's
been going on in my life the day she left. That first time ever
when I had my heart broken, and I spent my days crying and pitying
myself- I would like to tell her about that. I would also like to
tell her about the joys and friends I have found throughout the
years. There is really so much to tell . But then, I think it would
be unfair for my grandmother to hear about my earthly activities.
After all, wherever she is, I am sure she's already happy and at
peace. She deserves the rest she is getting now and it would be
such an invasion if I would still call on her to be here.
Besides, I need
not worry , for someday we will meet again. What is truly important
is that I rise up to every challenge that comes my way and that
from now on, I would never again cower in fear.
So with sore
muscles, puffy red eyes, and a healing heart; I will myself to rise
from my bed, face this day and the days to come. And you know what
I've realized, it isn't so difficult after all.
