A Faint Cry
of My Soul
by Guerera
The night was
young and the full moon loomed above like a majestic beam scattering
light and casting even the brightest star on the shade. I humbly stared
at its perfectness and was so awed by the magnificence that it seemed
to beckon me. I went out of the veranda and felt the sensation of
the shimmering cold air that cloaked the night. My breathing slowed
down as I sat down the chair and pondered.
How many nights
have I been like this—allowing myself to be devoured by the beauty
surrounding me that I am made to conceal the raw wound that gnaws
and stings in my deepest core?
I was sad—no,
melancholic is the most appropriate word. I wanted to find the part
of me that was aching. It was very disturbing to the point that I
could not even swallow food and I could not sleep without waking up
to the slightest sound. I often found myself staring blankly at nothing.
I have been amused by the thought of myself becoming insane without
ever knowing the reason. .
As I idly watched
the proud moon, the time slowly ticked away. Then suddenly, there
was it—a very faint sound, which, I am pretty sure, I would have have
missed if I hadn't listened carefully. It was the cry of my soul.
My soul was weeping
for the fact that I've been denying it what it really longed for.
And so I asked, "My Soul, what have you been crying for? Was it for
my family?" It answered between small sobs, "No, for you have dedicated
yourself to them and put them above anything in this world."
"Is it for the
Lord then?" I queried,
"No, for you have
always been a child of great faith."
"Has it something
to do with my friends?"
"No, because your
care has gone immeasurable for them."
"My work?".
"No, it has nothing
to do with it," was its reply.
"Then what?" I
silently screamed for this enigma which has found me.
After a long sigh,
my Soul gave me a bleak smile: "It was Love."
Love? What does
my Soul have to do with Love? Sensing that I needed some explanation,
it explained: "Your family, your faith, friends and career have been,
more often than not, in harmony with you. You've flourished in sailing
through the strong current and trudged the rough terrain. But all
would be futile if Love was left behind your journey for Love is the
one which completes your being."
Exasperated, I
answered and was willing to present an argument: "But surely, I have
loved all of those I have named. I wouldn't go into great lengths
if I felt nothing for any of them."
But as calm as
ever, it retorted, "Your Heart has told me what you've been through.
It told me that it's been crushed, broken to pieces, and trampled.
It went through a lot of distortions and pain. I understand that as
a human being, your natural response would be to protect and prevent
if from running through the same agony again. So you've built a wall,
barbed wire and all, around it. That's when it felt suffocated to
the brink of dying. It was crying to you, begging but you have abandoned
its pleas and protests of distress, until it has spoken to me."
I was stunned
and stupefied. Was that me? I was so ashamed that my awareness hadn't
caught me. For the first time, I felt my heart cry, for its anguish
are running down my cheeks--tears
"What should I
do?" I contritely asked. My Soul gently told me, "You have never learned
to let go. You've shunned the Trust that resides in your heart and
worse, you've proscribed your Heart to entertain it again. Your Heart
is something that can't be on what it should do. It has its own life.
And do not doubt for everything it does is in your favor since the
life it breathes is all for you. Let it go by discarding the remnants
of your anger and hurt. Then it would welcome the Love that it has
been crying out for, its essential sustenance, the one that you need."
"Why are you telling
me all this?"
My Soul sighed,"
For your Heart and Soul are but one: If your Heart dies, I would be
buried with it. There would be no Life at all if there is no Heart
and there is Soul or if one of us dies. We have been bounded together
by the Lord and placed in your body to be you. As your Soul, I also
felt your grief. I was aware of the hopelessness that has made you
hard—some someone you are not. So I ask you, please bestow us the
chance. I wouldn't promise that you'd be free from hurt; you know
it's always been there and always would be. But you have Time on your
side to heal the wounds it has conferred to you. Do it for nobody
else but for your ailing Heart."
It wasn't a good
bargain but how could I deny a humble request? I know my life as well
as my happiness depended on it so I said: "Alright, I agree with you.
Thank you for letting me know and I would remember not to hang on
to whatever dejection something or someone has afflicted on me"...
With that, my Soul smiled.
A light tap on
my shoulder brought me back to earth.. I was dreaming. Yes, it was
a dream but it felt good. I smiled and faced my mother who told me
that there was someone in the living room to see me. I nodded and
told her I'd be down in a very short while. I generously breathed
from a passing wave of wind. Maybe I should give him a chance, after
all, he has proven to me his worth and sincerity much more than I
could ask for. I picked up my steps and headed towards meeting that
someone who would give a part of my life to me. Although I'm not sure
how much, but enough to set my Heart free.
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Guerera, 24, from Laguna, is an active member of
Rebelde.com.
She loves writing short stories, essays and feature stories. She also
sings and plays the piano.
