The Courage
to Go On
By StarGazer
Wiping away the
tears in her eyes, she told her mom in a flat monotonous tone that
she was going. Her mom uttered a "be careful warning" and off she
went. What a dreary way to start her day.
She picked up
the bundled assorted cut dried woods she gathered yesterday to take
with her to the boarding school for a week's supply of panggatong.
On the other hand, she lifted the sack of rice, a packet of dried
fish and some fresh vegetables she picked from her mom's garden, also
for a week's consumption.
Before she left,
her mom gave her five pesos for her weekly allowance. She complained
that she has projects to complete at school and if she could give
her some extra money. Her mom flatly said no, she didn't have the
extra money. She didn't press on because she knows that her mom was
candid, telling her the absolute truth. With nine children in the
family and no permanent income for support, her parents worked very
hard to give their children the best they could, which amounted to
almost nothing. Food on the table means, plate of rice, some cooked
vegetables her mom had concocted and maybe some fried dried fish and
a pitcher of water on the table. All she could do was sulk in frustration
and cry her anguish in uttered silence.
In situations
like this, she gets upset quite easily. Her parents considered her
stubborn and hardheaded. But deep inside, she also possesses a great
gift her parents are aware of and considers her very special. She
was the only daughter in the family who graduated top of her class
in elementary and high school. So when she graduated high school,
she discussed with her parents of her intention to go to college.
She already knew the magnitude and the hopelessness of this cause
yet she gave it her last best shot.
At first, her
parents told her that they couldn't afford to send her to college,
let alone put decent food on the table. Her dad argued that because
she is just a girl, he felt an inept useless struggle spending money
on her education. After all, sooner or later she will only marry and
leave her parents with nothing but debts. This argument didn't faze
her, she wasn't ready to give up her precious dreams. She cried and
agonized for days until her parents relented, with accompanying restrictions
and conditions. That she can go to college, but she has to do a lot
of sacrificing herself and whatever they could afford to give her,
she can't complain. Her two elder sisters agreed to quit school to
help by working as katulong for a well-to-do family in town. Later
on, when she's finished, she will in turn help her sisters and brother
if they so wish to continue their education. Her parents felt she
was the smartest girl in the family and was therefore given this great
opportunity. To her parents, she represents the gleam of hope for
their olden days and their future.
She can't contain
her ecstasy upon hearing the good news. She didn't have any choice
of school but she was walking on the clouds. The nearest college is
about seven kilometers from the main highway located next town. She
lives about 2.5 kilometers from the highway and that poses a problem.
An unfinished feeder road is the only connection from her barrio to
the main highway and the only way to get there is walk, rain or shine.
Her mother found a boarding school in the poblacion, agreeing to pay
two sacks of rice in return for a year's lodging. Lodging means a
free floor space in a tiny room made of bamboo, shared by about 4
or five students, mostly girls. She had to provide and cook her own
food, wash her own clothes, provide her own bedding (consisted of
a mat, blanket and a pillow) to be rolled on the bare floor at bedtime
and must be rolled and folded back come morning and tucked away in
one corner.
She most wanted
to be a teacher, but left without choice, she enrolled in an agricultural
school. The tuition was 150 pesos for one semester but to her poor
parents, the amount sounded like a million. They borrowed money using
the only land they own and cultivate as collateral in case they are
unable to pay. Her parents explained the seriousness of this process
making sure she understood the gravity of their sacrifices. They also
explained to her that the outcome weighs heavily on how she would
fare at school and may become the deciding factor in changing or recreating
the lives and future of the whole family.
Sadly walking
alone in a feeder road that would take her to the main highway, her
steps felt like heavy dull thuds. Her world seemed bleak--she was
exploring life's unknown terrain, her future but a distant glimmering
hope. Few scenarios jumped through her mind. She must get out of this
poverty, desperately. But first, she has to prove to her parents especially
her father that she is not just a girl who would grab a husband and
settle down. She would prove to the world and to her self that she
could accomplish something extraordinary her family could be proud
of. Now that she was given this only chance, she dreaded the thought
of failure. She was very scared but she vowed to herself never to
show such signs of weakness. She just can't fail, too much is at stake.
Her hands and
shoulders felt numb and tired from the heavy load she was carrying.
She sat down to catch her breath, stretched her arms so her blood
can flow steadily through the tired arms again. Once in a while she
would glance at the forming red blisters on her palms, some bigger,
almost ripe and ready to burst any minute. The anger she's withholding
has been nagging inside, knocking to burst out. She wanted to cry,
to scream in desperation. She felt sorry for herself. Maybe this was
a hopeless cause unworthy of pursuit. Maybe she's really not up to
this kind of challenge. Maybe, she can't really succeed nor attempt
to change her destiny. Suddenly, shaking the tears from forming, she
checked herself, "girl, this is not the right moment for self-pity,
feeling sorry for yourself will only make it worse", she reprimanded
herself hurriedly picking up her load.
She shifted her
attention to the unfinished project. Where in the world will she get
the extra money needed? Maybe she can still buy the requirement if
she doesn't spend her allowance on food. Maybe she can ration whatever
she has to last a week. She prayed, maybe, she won't feel hungry this
week or if she does, a glass of water might satisfy it. A lot of maybe's,
yet, it offers no acceptable solution. Her health is very important
if she is to succeed.
The walk took
longer than she expected. The road was muddy and slippery. It rained
the night before and the ground was still wet in some areas, she took
her shoes off to avoid getting soiled. The load she carried felt heavier
now, the hill she was climbing seemed steeper than before. Yet, she
went on, determined, uncomplaining. She can almost imagine the busy
activities of the main highway, the buses, the jeepneys and the tricycles
coming and going. Sooner, she can have her rest, but for now, she
must go on.
Approaching the
main highway, she sat her load on the side of the road and sat down.
She swallowed fresh breath of air and almost immediately felt relief,
her hands already feeling better, the pain from the blisters subsiding,
energy surging back to life. The anger, the frustration, and the pain
she felt earlier had started to fade away somewhere at the back of
her mind. She's already looking forward to another exciting week at
school, of seeing her classmates and professors, of the new things
she has to try and experiment in the lab, and above all, the new knowledge
she has to absorb, discuss and learn.
A small ray of
hope and determination forming inside her subconscious mind seemed
to give her the inner strength and the courage to go on. Somehow,
something was telling her, everything will work out just fine. Her
dreams will come true…one day…someday…soon.
She can't fail
and she must not give up. Not now, not just yet…
