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To an Unborn
Child
By Samantha
I AM not the
insensitive, stone-hearted person that other people perceive me
to be.
My heart was
heavy as I flushed you out of my life, like I would an unwanted
visitor. I didn't jump and dance when you died. I wasn't exactly
happy.
Instead, I sat
down, stunned and shocked, unable to believe that I would have to
ability to commit murder.
"There's
a murderer lurking inside each person," a novelist once wrote.
It was that same murderer that I could not agree with, whose power
overwhelmed me and pushed me over the edge.
I honestly felt
sorry. It felt sacrilegious to be taking communion exactly a week
after I had consciously planned your murder. It seemed unfair that
a few days after that domestic operation, I was having coffee with
a friend at starbucks, detailing your murder.
It seemed unfair
that I could just as peacefully go on with my life, justifying that
it was irrational to allow a child to live, only to witness the
cruelty of this world; to starve to death because I could not count
on your father to be there for me; to be treated like a pariah because
of your illegitimacy.
Because it was,
undoubtedly, unfair to let you die.
I don't know
if you can ever forgive me for willfully hurting you, for snuffing
out your life. If it is any consolation at all, please know that
not a day passes by that I do not pray for your soul and mine.
I do not know
if I will ever be able to forgive myself. I do not know if you will
ever be able to forgive this poor girl who was not ready to be a
mother, who had no choice but to get rid of her unborn child. Although
I would have wanted to know whether you were a boy or a girl, it
seemed otherwise illogical to do so. Why bother to to know at all,
if I didn't even want you to live?
I haven't had
much sleep these days, thinking of you and my other child. Wondering
how I was unfair to choose her to live, but kill you, as though
I were performing a scientific experiment on human selection. The
one who is more loved gets to survive.
My hearts bleeds
for you, my child, wherever you may be now. Perhaps I don't deserve
to be a mother at all, being unable to show even the slightest compassion
for a defenseless soul like yours.
Please forgive
me and your father. Let us forever be reminded that in an event
involving a human life, no rationale can ever justify the murder
of a human soul like yours.
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Samantha, 23, is currently undergoing counseling.
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